(HOST) Commentator Sharon Lamb is a professor of psychology at Saint Michael’s College and a practicing therapist. This morning, she has some practical advice about how to talk to children when bad things happen – like the recent murder of 12 year old Brooke Bennett.
(LAMB) Quite a few years ago, when my eldest son was 4 years old, there was a terrible accident between a helicopter and a plane over a nearby grade school. Those in the air perished. But the flaming debris also fell onto a schoolyard at recess, burning some children and killing two. Contact to parents was swift. And once parents at my work began getting calls from the school to pick up their children, I drove quickly to my own son’s nursery school, eager to see him, hold him. When I arrived, there was another mother there, hysterically telling the teachers about the accident – in front of the children. I was shocked, and I stopped her. My impulse was first that these children did not have to know about this. And second, that I wanted to decide whether to tell my son about it – and how.
But in these days of massive media bombardment, everyone’s in the know, online and off, and boundaries between adults and children are crossed all the time. It’s almost impossible to prevent our children, no matter how young, from hearing about horrific events, like the tragic death of Brooke Bennett, the 12 year old Randolph girl who was murdered. No matter how we’d prefer to handle the subject at home, we must assume that our children will hear about this murder and the likely sexual violence that preceded it. And we need to be prepared.
We can begin with admitting our own sadness and grief and anger that this happened. Children need examples of adults coping with strong emotions, so they can learn to manage their own.
Then we need to acknowledge to them that sometimes the world is unsafe, but that we will do everything possible to make it safer. In a way that’s appropriate to the age of the child, parents and teachers should discuss with the child how he or she can be safe – without giving the impression that the child is the one who is primarily responsible. And we must tell our children there are adults out there who are untrustworthy, and that these same adults can be really smart in gaining a child’s trust. We’ve got to tell them that sometimes these adults can be friends or even family members. For preteens, internet safety lessons are not as important as discussions about age boundaries and who is appropriate to make friends with, talk to, and even flirt with in private and online. Ask them to let you know when a talk, look, or touch feels "not quite right," and reassure them that you’ll listen and won’t go beserk!
And don’t only hold your own children tight. Think about other people’s children, and watch over them too. Local organizations need your support around their education initiatives and safety planning. And if you can share these community efforts with children, they’ll not only feel your love along with your anxiety, but learn to use that love to better the circumstances of other children as well.