(Host)
Concerns related to conflict are widespread and very much in the news
these days. Commentator Marilyn Webb Neagley is an education consultant
and author with thoughts on the way words can influence conflicts.
(Neagley)
Our teen-aged daughter stormed through the front door and angrily
stomped up the stairs to her room. She then proceeded to beat her drums
as loudly as possible. I didn’t know what had caused this outburst.
Perhaps she was deeply disappointed in me because of my divorce. Or
maybe someone had hurt her feelings. All I knew was that this was not
the first time she had, in recent days, expressed such anger. I
responded with a surge of adrenaline and announced with conviction that I
was going to talk to her. My body language must have shown that I felt
fully prepared, justified and ready for confrontation.
As I
stepped toward the stairs my husband, her step-father, gently touched my
shoulder and said, "Just remember to soften your heart". Well, no one
had ever said that to me before, and I thought… Hmmm, I’ll soften my
heart all right. My mind was a scramble of thoughts and words intended
to put her in her place.
But as I approached her room, I tried
harder to understand what it would mean to soften my heart. I stopped
and tried to focus my attention on the area of the heart. I imagined it
softening or warming, and in that moment my feelings for my beloved
first-born changed. I vividly remembered all that I loved and admired
about her. She wasn’t an ogre after all! And, as it turned out, neither
was I.
It helps to have a "buddy system" in life. Before my
husband’s reminder and before I simply paused, the words I had in mind
were pretty harsh: "You just can’t act this way. This behavior must stop
now. You’ll be grounded if this happens again." Had that occurred my
daughter would’ve walked out of the room and the two of us would have
fumed for hours, if not days or even years. Such cracks or fissures in a
relationship can painfully widen and fester over time. Or, they may
offer an opening for healing and deeper caring.
Instead, I
knocked on her door. She allowed me to enter and sit on the edge of her
bed. The words that came were something like this: "When these things
happen I feel disconnected from you. We’ve always been so close. I love
you and want to feel that closeness again. Are you willing to talk about
what’s going on for you?"
Needless to say the outcome was much
more positive than it might have been. It’s not that everything was
solved during that one conversation but at least the door was opened.
And I’m not always mindful enough to take a pause or soften the heart
but at least that time a lesson was learned.
Many of us grew up
hearing the verse, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will
never hurt me." No so. Words can hurt. Or, they can heal.